1. ‘Use by’ and’ ‘Best before’ dates are a lie. You always have a few extra days. Handy tip: search the bins behind Waitrose. It’s a better class of trash.*
2. London’s parks are full of nutritious wild foods, like wild garlic, dandelions, and pigeons.
3. Prostitution is now a more respectable profession than hedge-fund management. And you don’t need a degree (which nobody can afford anyway). Give it a whirl!
4. When the heating gets cut off, stay warm using sex. The more, the merrier! And it’s good for the environment.
5. In times of economic decline, belief in superstition always skyrockets. So why not become a ‘psychic’? Exploit the bereaved: it’s cash in the bank.
6. This traditional British art has almost died out but pickpocketing is due for a revival and, yes, apprenticeships are available. But remember, kids: picking pockets is a crime! (Unless it’s the pocket of a banker, in which case, it’s payback.)
7. Be born into a wealthy family and hire someone to make sure you don’t pay any tax. Then you won’t give a fuck.
*Much like the cast of ‘Made In Chelsea’.
Dusty is currently starring in ‘The Winter of Our Discontent’ at the Arcola Tent (Januray 17/18/19). For info, see The Winter of our Discontent listing.