The folks behind the Olympic Opening Ceremony have managed to keep the show’s contents under a tight wrap. All we’ve been told so far is to expect a verdant, pastoral scene containing real farm animals: 12 horses, 10 chickens and 3 cows among them. With so much left shrouded in mystery, we can’t help but speculate what Friday night’s spectacular will contain. Here’s how we imagine it going…
The über-cute farm animals take the stage…
Photo: Tim Pakorny
…followed by zoo animals sliding into the stadium:
Out come London’s famous passive-aggressive penguins:
And then, a short parade to honour the city’s urban wildlife:
Although foxes won’t so much ‘parade’ as ‘gaze menacingly at the chickens’:
Photo: Stef Thomas
SPECIAL KEN LOACH DIRECTED SEGMENT:
Cheers Ken. After that downer, time for an epic fail to pick our spirits up…
And then BOOM! One Direction arrive on a bus, to prove that sometimes coming third gets you further than winning:
Who’s this arriving on the 1984 Games’ legendary jetpack?
It’s Benedict Cumberbatch! Here to provide a violin accompaniment:
And he’s brought Doctor Who with him – but what’s that he’s zapping with his Sonic Screwdriver?
CLERICAL ERROR: This section is accidentally directed by Frankie Boyle, consisting soley of unprintable remarks about Tom Daley:
Millions turn off their televisions in disgust and put the kettle on instead – oh yes, it’s the quintessential British tea break:
Back in the stadium, Usain Bolt arrives – and it looks like it’s Free McDonald’s Official Provider of the Olympic and Paralympic Games London 2012 Happy Meals for all!
007 can’t believe his luck:
On with the show. House lights down, because ladies and gentlemen, we give you… the Half-Hologram Beatles!
And joining them live on stage, Coldplay’s Chris Martin, dressed as an elephant, on a unicycle!
Now drop the bass, Your Highness:
Camera #3, close-up on the angry flower girl:
As the beat builds, Russell Brand takes the stage and puts his Game face on:
Thom Yorke represents the Olympic spirit through interpretive dance:
Susan Boyle’s hips don’t lie:
The atmosphere’s electric – let’s launch those scary Olympic missiles over the stadium:
Because surprise, surprise:
They’re confetti missiles!
Release the balloons!
And release the puppies!
Bring up the lasers…
Get someone to walk away from an explosion without looking…
Send the Red Arrows over…
And GO fireworks GO!
Now even more colourful!
and more… Londony!
And finally, the entire back-up firework display, all at once!
Photo: Ben Baller
What a finale! And finally, live from the Olympic Park, British Stuff Correspondent Mary Poppins explains what it all symbolises:
Thanks Mary. And now it’s back to the studio. [TRANSMISSION ENDS] Guy Parsons
Want to see what really happens? Check out our Opening Ceremony guide for big screens and venues showing the event, alternative parties and – of course – when it’ll be on the TV.