It has incited anticipation. It has incited disinterest. It has us all hoping that it won’t be the biggest, showiest waste of money since the Millennium Dome. Luckily, there is one addition to the Opening Ceremony that you can be in charge of, and is pretty much guaranteed to improve the experience for you, whatever your opinion of the night’s proceedings. A good, old-fashioned, gleefully cynical drinking game. Follow the rules below as you watch, but please remember to stop drinking if you feel unwell – we could, potentially, have second-guessed the whole thing. Unless the nausea is caused by Macca’s botoxed face, in which case you’d better just power through. Drink responsibly now everyone… Ashleigh Arnott
At any point during the broadcast, please drink when you hear any of the following:
‘the greatest show on earth’
‘going for gold’
‘once in a lifetime event’
‘the country’s hopes’
‘best of British’
On a sighting of any of the following Team GB celebs, all players should perform the relevant action then drink for the duration of their close-up.
The Queen (royal wave)
Kate Middleton (look smug)
Tom Daley (diving pose)
Boris (ruffle the hair of the person to your left)
Usain Bolt (that lightning bolt pose thing he does)
We know for sure that there will be plenty of fauna on hand, just ready to let their wild side shine during their fifteen minutes of fame. We’re hoping for something as good as that clip of Blue Peter where the baby elephant relieves himself then drags a presenter out of shot. Take a drink for any sort of catastrophe involving an animal.
There are a lot of countries out there, and many of them are far away. We can’t possibly all know them all, but watching a team brimming with the ambition to do a country proud when you couldn’t even say whether said country country is in Asia or Africa (and indeed couldn’t even say the name of the country) will make you feel pretty guilty about it. So have a drink every time you see a team from a country you’ve never heard of (then Google it).
This is our chance for the world to see us shine. Shame so many of our traditions are really, really lame. Have a drink whenever you notice the inclusion of something quintessentially, embarrassingly British. Examples include morris dancing, policemen in those old-school hats, maypoles, red phone booths, bell ringers, Charles Dickens.
We believe the children are the future
There’s no way there won’t be a twee chorus and/or dance troop of frighteningly cheerful, stagey children. You’ll need a drink for that. There’s also likely to be some portrayal of ‘the future’ which already looks dated – drink again. If the children are involved in ‘the future’, down it.
And finally, tot up how many of our 36 things which would be in our fantasy Opening Ceremony and drink a finger for each of them. If we were more on the money than we meant to be, we apologise in advance for your hangovers.