Well, that’s it folks. The day is finally here. If you’re not up to speed with all things Mayan, you’ll be not-so-delighted to know that according to an ancient calendar created by the Mesoamerica civilisation that used celestial and terrestrial cycles to make predictions about the future, today is the end of days. But how will it happen? With films like ‘2012’, ‘Day of the Triffids’, ‘Day of the Dead’ and more, our imaginations are going wild, so we’ve put together a list of possibilities and the best hope for survival. Carly-Ann Clements
Volcanic eruption and subsequent ice age:
We’re not just talking about a regular volcano that travel insurers call ‘an act of God’, we’re talking supervolcanos. If a supervolcano erupts, the lava and ash can spread over 1,000km and then lead to significant weather changes including the inevitable ice age. Well, if it killed the dinosaurs, we have no hope, right?
Head to Harrods. It might sound crazy but if anyone’s going to have a secret arc, it’s going to be rich, eccentric Mohamed Al-Fayed. Wear a Fulham football shirt and you’ll be right in there.
Asteroids, comets… who cares? If we’re going to be hit by a massive piece of space rock, names are pretty much meaningless. With so much space junk speeding around the earth, it’s one of the more likely scenarios and certainly the method of choice for movies in the 90s.
We sacrifice Bruce Willis. Sorry Brucie, it’s the only way. If we’ve learned anything from ‘Armageddon’ it’s that the world can rely on one man to save billions. We vote that everyone donates a fiver to fund the mission, saving the end of the human race and the world from another ‘Die Hard’ film.
Let’s face it. We’ve given Earth a battering. Between leaving the lights on while you’re out to deter burglars and running the central heating constantly we’ve done a pretty terrible job of looking after the planet. But what will happen? Will it be a sudden blizzard? Suffocating heat? Tsunami? Or will the plants attack us like they did in ‘The Happening’? Whatever it is, if climate change doesn’t get us today (and we survive) it will one day. Just don’t tell Al Gore we said that.
Run down to UNIQLO and buy as many heat tech items as possible, dig out the factor 50 sun lotion you buy every year but never use and head for high ground (watching where you step).
The world’s crust crumbles:
We knew that crack at Tate Modern was a sign of things to come! With all the oil drilling we’ve been doing, it’s more than likely that the earth’s crust will give way. So if you’re near the South Bank, watch your step. That crack is gonna keep cracking.
Hit up any Clinton Cards or the like and buy as many helium balloons as possible. Make sure you have enough to get a good few days of floating in before settling on your very own crusty island.
Is it us or has everyone been sick for the last 3 months? Could the intermittent sniffles lead to an outbreak like we’ve never seen before? With the lack of this year’s arbitrary animal name flu, are we destined to be hit by a sudden wave of disease?
Head to Superdrug and buy every bottle of antibac, steal all the latex gloves you can find and then make a face mask out of your mum’s fancy muslin cloth and the elastic from that pair of pants you were meant to throw away last year.
Let’s face it, if you crunch the numbers we can’t be the only planet that has life. Here at Time Out Towers, we’re hoping that any space voyager landing on earth will see how wonderful London is but the fact is, they probably won’t be coming in peace.
If Hollywood is anything to go buy, London will hopefully be ignored in favor of Washington DC but if aliens do head our way, we vote that Boris Johnson flies up to the ship to save us. He’ll either charm them into retreat or terrify them so much that they believe we pose a bigger threat. Either way, we win.
Could social media be a massive ploy to dominate the human race? Maybe Mark Zuckerberg is in fact a Terminator ensuring that the internet takes over the world. Or could we already be in the matrix waiting for our plug to be pulled? Either way, we’re reliant enough on technology that this could be our demise.
Grab any person who ‘makes apps’ in their spare time and arm them with the old PC you have in your loft and a dial-up modem. They’re sure to fix it somehow… surely?!
The one we’re all secretly hoping for… need we say more?
Could it be possible that all those hours watching ‘The Walking Dead’ has paid off? Probably not. But we do know a few things. Head to your local shopping centre and hope that it’s empty. If that fails, try the underground parking lots, Aldwych tube station, medical centres and prisons. After that? RUN! Just pray that we’re struck by the ambling Romero types rather than the ’28 Days’ sprinters and remember, always go for the head.