In over ten years of blogging about the London Underground, Annie Mole has charted the lighter side of the Tube. She’s always keen to see instances of the London Underground staff showing their more human side. This has led to her listening out for announcements by Tube staff that are a little further removed from ‘Mind The Gap’ and ‘Stand Clear of the Doors’ and ‘The next station is Cockfosters’. Here are some of her all time favourites, where you can feel the staff’s pain…
“I apologise for the delays to your service. This is due to… well, it’s just a crap service isn’t it?”
“To the hilarious gentleman that just showed me his bum. I suggest you join a gym or go on a diet before waving it around in the future”.
“Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella. It doesn’t rain underground.”
“When you’re leaving the train, ensure you elbow your way out so that you get to the escalator before anyone else does….. that was irony by the way”.
“I’m not an axe-murdering, baby-eating lunatic who’s going to drive this train off a precipice you know. A smile would be nice”.
“Covent Garden has been closed due to over crowding. Please alight at Leicester Square and wander around aimlessly with your huge rucksacks until you get to your destination.”
“Ladies and gentleman, I’m sorry for the delay. I have just been informed this is due to people on the ROOF of the train ahead. Yes, you are probably thinking some of the things I am, but that’s what I’ve been told by my control.”
“This is Victoria Station. Please leave your valuables on the train and I will collect them at the end of my shift”.
“Ladies and gentleman, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home. Unless you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”
“Keep your appendages inside the doors please. I hope that if you’re changing here to continue your journey on another line that your next journey is as nice as this one was. That’s if this one was nice of course, which it probably was if you were standing alongside an attractive person.”
“To the person skateboarding down the southbound platform of the Northern Line. I suggest that you stop. There are approximately 640 volts going through the line beneath you, and if you care to fall off the skateboard you will find out”.
“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”