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Gus the Fox explains it all: the secret religions of London’s wildlife

Posted at 4:30 pm, May 10, 2013 in Fun London
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‘London is one of the most multicultural cities in the world. Nowhere else do so many religions and faiths live in such close proximity, as people strive to relate humanity to spirituality and moral values, and people have come up with all sorts of wacky bollocks in an attempt to explain the meaning of life. Some people believe in a lad with a elephant’s head, some people fancy the idea that the world was made out of clay a few years ago by an old fella and others are pretty sure that we all come from another planet and we just forgot.

One of the things that’s always confused me most about religions is the fact that me and my mates don’t get a look in. Some humans will spend their entire life enjoying the companionship of animals, but if you ask them if their four legged friend will be waiting for them in heaven then they’ll just laugh and carry on trying to flush it down the toilet.

Well it turns out that two can play that game. Recently a plethora of new religions have been created by animals who’ve decided to jump on the eternity bandwagon. Personally I’m not interested in joining a single one because some of them sound as daft as the things you lot came up with thousands of years ago. Anyway, here’s a list of animals and what they believe in.’ Gus the Fox

PIGEONS

Tommy the Chimney. And a pigeon.

RELIGION: Geonism
GOD: Tommy The Chimney
BELIEFS: Geonism is a monotheistic religion. Most Geonists believe in a chimney called Tommy The Chimney, a chimney pot which has a face crudely drawn on the side of it in pen. Pigeons believe that one day the chimney will catch fire and the world will end. They worship Tommy by sitting on top of chimneys and cooing. The footballer Gary Linker is a keen Geonist.

SWANS

The bag tree is in the heart of every swan.

RELIGION: The Swan Religion
GOD: A bag in a tree
BELIEFS: Some of them have started worshipping this bag that’s got caught up in a tree but they haven’t really got the nitty gritty down in terms of beliefs. It’s not even really a religion in my opinion.

RATS

Wheelie Bin of the apocalypse.

RELIGION: Binduism
GOD: The Four Bins Of The Apocalypse
BELIEFS: Rats believe in four bins which exist in secret locations on the four corners of the globe. The first bin is called ‘Tar’ and controls famine. The second bin is called ‘Plag’ and controls disease. The third bin is known as ‘Albinus’ the bringer of death. The foutrh and final bin is called ‘Alan Lamp’ and can be found behind Morrison’s in Hemel Hempstead. Like finding a bunch of horcruxes, Binduists believe that if they manage to visit each of the bins of the apocalypse then they’ll be transformed into humans and spend eternity working at the Daily Mail.

FOXES

Martin Clunes Fox God

RELIGION: Vulpianity
GOD: Martin Clunes
BELIEFS: Foxes have started worshipping Martin Clunes. Vulpians believe that if they pay homage to him by leaving things in his back garden (condoms and Milkybars, etc) then he won’t lay down his wrath upon them. It won’t work because Clunes has an unquenchable appetite for attacking foxes. The other day he ran out of his wendy house and booted me as hard as he could in the bollocks.

OWLS

A magical pig that Sexy Chris just made up.

RELIGION: Sexychristian
GOD: Sexy Chris
BELIEFS: Something about a magical pig? I don’t know. I wasn’t really concentrating. I don’t think this is a real religion either. I think Sexy Chris is talking out of his fucking arse.

More vulpine insights from London’s cussingest fox:

Gus The Fox’s guide to eating out in London
Gus The Fox’s favourite London spots
Gus The Fox’s guide to London wildlife

Or follow @GusTheFox on Twitter or visit gusthefox.com.

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