Eurovision is the ultimate celebration of all that is terrible of Europe’s musical output. And it is glorious. We love the sequins, the fake tan, the neon green lycra, the racy dance routines, the questionable English translations, the risk of nil points, the hours you have to dedicate to watching to get anywhere near finding out the results. But you know what makes Eurovision even better? Being a wee bit tipsy.
To help you along on your way to Eurovision ecstasy, have a sip from your drink every time you see (or hear):
Performers in their country’s national dress. If said performers are children or very old, drink extra.
Ballad and white dress combination.
Scantily clad ladies who are not involved musically, but seem very into the song.
Costumes in the colours of the country’s flag.
Facts about Sweden that involve ABBA, IKEA or Zlatan Ibrahimović.
Bonnie Tyler bigging up the UK. Extra if she bigs up Wales.
Graham Norton taking the piss out of Ireland. Or Bonnie Tyler.
The presenters floundering because they were chosen for their looks rather than their live TV-presenting skills.
A video link that is so slow it’s awkward, but it’s too late to do anything about.
Every time the UK gets douze points. Unlikely, sure, but you never know. Bonnie’s rasp has charmed the world once before, after all.
Enjoy the show, and drink responsibly!