Hello, I’m @the_dolphin_pub, the unofficial Twitter feed for officially the best fucking pub in the world (The Dolphin, obvs). To celebrate The Dolphin’s 10th birthday this Saturday June 1, I’ve been given the almost impossible task of narrowing the several thousand incredible things about east London’s favourite party-pub down to just 10. Luckily, with the help of my followers and four and a half jägerbombs, I have risen to the challenge like Dane Bowers on Viagra…
1. The toilet door with no lock
In boring pubs, it’s nice to have nice private toilets where you can have nice quiet toilet time before returning to your table to have chats about ISAs. At The Dolphin, there are no boundaries. If someone wants to come give you a cuddle while you’re relieving yourself, the door is quite literally always open. Quote from follower: ‘I took a dump in the pub once and turned around to see an Alsatian watching me.’
2. R Kelly
Say what you like about his shortcomings as a human but it is absolutely impossible to deny R Kelly: the artist. And luckily The Dolphin operates a strict ‘R Kelly once an hour’ rule on the jukebox, guaranteeing that the dancefloor is hot and fresh like a kitchen and everybody believes they can fly (note: under no circumstances does The Dolphin endorse pissing on teenagers).
3. The element of surprise
Despite being the best fucking pub in the world, visits to The Dolphin are not always planned – in the same way you can’t plan a fucking rainbow. Instead, it’s something beautiful that happens spontaneously after having a few drinks somewhere boring. Trying to fight The Dolphin’s magnetic force on your way home is absolutely futile. YOU might fancy an art-house film and an early night but your subconscious isn’t such a pussy.
4. The sexual freedom
It may be too much to use words like ‘orge’ and ‘fuckfest’, but if you’re looking for fast love, The Dolphin is 92% more effective than online dating. The combination of 1990s R&B merged with a sweaty dancefloor of fitsters means that everybody wants to lick everybody up and down (and nobody says stop). Quote from follower: ‘My cousin shagged a fireman under the pool table.’
5. The staff
Unlike other London venues, the people who work at The Dolphin aren’t wankers. Not only that, they’re cool as fuck. The door-staff are cool as fuck. The guys in the cloakroom are cool as fuck. The burger and hot dog chef is cool as fuck. And the bar staff are even cooler. If you don’t act like a dick at The Dolphin, you won’t have a problem. But if you DO make a cock of yourself, you’ll have 99.
6. The garden
Never in the history of geography has there been a more potent breeding ground for ideas, friendships and fried food as the garden of The Dolphin. Frequented by smokers, jokers and living la vida locas, the buzz fills the air alongside the aroma of double cheeseburgers. For those looking to get ahead in fashion, music, media or juggling: this is your Soho House.
7. The lost souls
It’s rare to have a night at The Dolphin without seeing at least one person who’s lost all their mates but having such a good fucking time that they don’t care. Usually, they can be seen attempting to dry-hump strangers on the dancefloor, then shortly after asleep on a bar stool. Quote from follower: ‘Recently, I woke up to find loads of photos on my phone of me having the best time at The Dolphin. I had no memory of going and didn’t recognise one single person in any of the shots.’
8. The Shots
The Dolphin might not be the only pub that does Jägerbombs, tequilas and sambucas – but it’s the pub where they feel most at home. Hoofing a quick jäger at the bar while singing the chorus of ‘Gangsters Paradise’ doesn’t make you feel like you should be on What Happens In Kavos; it just makes you feel lovely. Followers on Twitter will also be familiar with spin-off creations such as Champägerbombs, Yaaaaaaaäygerbombs and Forgot About Dre-ägerbombs
9. The owners
Behind every legendary pub is a legend or pair of legends. In the case of The Dolphin, it is a truly awesome twosome. The Salt N’ Pepa of pubs. The Chaka Demus & Pliers of boozers. The Victoria Beckham and Dane Bowers of Dolphin Towers. It’s Yash and Nuvit. Not since Adam and Eve has a couple impacted so greatly on the lives of impressionable humans. How they haven’t been knighted yet is beyond fucking mind-blowing. Legends stand alone.
10. The DJs
We may have singled-out R Kelly, but The Dolphin is bigger than one man alone. Nights at The Dolphin are roused to climax by the hands of the superstar DJs. Navigating from So Solid Crew to Ace of Base; from Dr Dre to Lighthouse Family; from Sean Paul to Another Level requires the touch of a champion. The Dolphin DJs are the Usain fucking Bolt of vibes. Quote from follower: ‘If I can be as good at anything as those DJ’s are on the decks, my life won’t be shit and pointless.’
And that sums it up very fucking nicely. Happy 10th birthday, Dolphin – thanks for making life not shit and pointless.
Find out all about the massive party they are throwing on Saturday at thedolphinhackney.co.uk.