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The world according to Alan Partridge…

Posted at 12:30 pm, August 6, 2013 in Arts & Entertainment, TV

He redefined sports journalism. Made chat a commodity. Put Norwich at the heart of British culture. Gatecrashed fashion with ‘sports casual’. Now, on the eve of cinema smash-inwaiting ‘Alpha Papa’, we give you the life, the times and – above all – the thoughts of Alan Gordon Partridge. A-ha!

Honesty

‘I know lying is wrong, but if the Elephant Man came in now in a blouse with some make-up on, and said, “How do I look?”, would you say – bearing in mind he’s depressed and has respiratory problems – would you say “Go and take that blusher off you misshapen-headed elephant tranny”? No. You’d say, “You look nice… John.”’

Norwich

‘Despite the Norfolk black-lack, we’re a pretty progressive bunch around here. Take our current lord mayor, for example. It may surprise you to learn that he is a woman. We’ve always believed in giving women a fair crack of the whip. Not literally. That would be a dominatrix, which we also have in Norwich. There are currently three of them. Yeah, about three.’

The environment

‘“Big Yellow Taxi” there, by Joni Mitchell. A song in which she complains that they “paved paradise to put up a parking lot” – a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise. Something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn’t quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song.’

Money

‘I won’t say how much I earn cos that’s crude. But times it by four and you’re looking at a million. I earn a quarter of a million a year.’

The media

‘I know Paul Dacre and he’s a lovely man. And I’m sure he’d be more than happy to stand before a public enquiry and say, under oath, that his newspaper had no knowledge of phone hacking. If the Daily Mail went to the wall, who would be there to stand up for the persecuted minority of people from fairly comfortable areas who are middle-aged and not coloured?’

Political correctness

‘This whole political correctness thing really bugs the heck out of me. You can’t say boo to a goose these days. In fact, you probably couldn’t even say “goose”. You’ve probably got to call them “feathered dogs”. That’s how bad it’s got. In my head.’

London

‘Go to London! I guarantee you’ll either be mugged or not appreciated. Catch the train to London,stopping at Rejection, Disappointment, Backstabbing Central and Shattered Dreams Parkway.’

Sexuality

‘I will be the first person to throw my hands up and say in the past I developed a fairly robust hatred of the gay community – but that was before I met Dale Winton. And I realised I had absolutely nothing to worry about. The man was a perfect gentleman. I actually spent three days at The Earls Court Boat Show with Dale Winton, Paul O’Grady and Noel Edmonds – he’s not gay, but you get the picture.’

Read our interview with Steve Coogan now and find out what we thought of ‘Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa‘.

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