Fearless Danielle Goldstein said she’d try anything. So you turned her into an extra from ‘The Walking Dead’…
Two Halloweens ago, I ripped off half of my right eyebrow in a liquid latex mishap. I vowed never to do my own scary make-up again. Ever. But tonight I’m breaking that vow – by attending a make-up class at Battersea’s Doodle Bar. And within minutes I’ve inflicted a terrible wound upon myself.
This time, however, it’s not down to my cack-handedness. The theme of tonight’s Jaded Makeup class is ‘gruesome’. ‘Like a “Holby City” injury,’ our instructor Jade informs us, handing out stomach-turning images of lacerations, black eyes and burns.
Paintbrush in hand, I take the ‘bruise wheel’, or ‘paint palette’ to us laypeople. It comprises surprisingly chirpy colours, but mix them together and you’ve got one nasty-looking contusion on your hands (or face or leg or arm…).
Or at least, you should have. My rainbow-coloured eye makes me look like I’ve fallen face first into a B&Q paint section. ‘Add more black,’ advises Jade, ‘and use the sponge.’ I start patting my eye with the blending sponge, and – lo! – I could pass for someone who’s been punched in the face.
‘Nice gash,’ giggles one of the girls opposite, as we’re shown how to wedge shards of glass (plastic, in reality) into cuts, using wax, moisturiser and paints. With a little help from Jade, everyone soon looks suitably shocking. ‘Urgh, your face looks horrible!’ laughs the guy next to me. ‘And your make-up is pretty gross too.’
I still have to face that liquid latex, though. Everyone has already begun liberally spreading the devilish fluid over their arms, so I have no choice but to follow suit. It dries and clings to me, so, as instructed, I pick at it until it passes for peeling skin. With some black paint lavished on top, plus touches of red and yellow (to resemble bubbling fat), it looks like a real third-degree burn. I feel quite smug.
Until the penny drops that I’ll have to rip this stuff off. The paint wipes away, as it’s water-based, and a little moisturiser removes the wax, but the latex… Well, at least it was only arm hairs I lost this time.
Jaded Makeup takes place at Doodle Bar, 33 Parkgate Rd, SW11 4NP (Battersea Park Rail) and is £10. Call 020 7223 7115 for details, or visit their website. The next Jaded Makeup is ‘pop art’ themed on Aug 27 and Aug 29. Suggest the next task via Twitter!