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Barmy barnets: London’s top ten silly haircuts

Posted at 9:45 am, September 29, 2013 in Fun London

Queen Olympics

1. The Queen

The perm that has stayed set through family embarrassments, dull speeches, weekend grouse shoots and (probably) Prince Philip’s amorous advances. The Queen’s hairdresser of 15 years, Ian Carmichael, was even given a royal warrant last year, but has never revealed the secret of HRH’s silvery filaments. Instructions are probably languishing in a vault somewhere, along with Queen Victoria’s tips on how to have a healthy sex life.

2. The Bacary Sagna

The way that Arsenal fullback Bacary Sagna’s blond braids frame his face like a beaded curtain would look daft on a middle-aged woman. And on a young(ish) black male it’s splendidly ludicrous. Seeing it bouncing around his head while he’s running has even inspired the Emirates’s faithful to compose a song in homage: ‘Sagna, Sagna, Bacary Sagna, dodgy hair, but we don’t care, Bacary Sagna’. Moving and lovely, (sort of) like Bacary’s hair.

3. The William Shakespeare

Top Ten_shutterstock_124050

What’s in a haircut anyway? Is it a coincidence that The Bard’s head probably looked like The Globe when viewed from above? Or was his on-the-top baldness a mere side effect of continuous use of iambic pentameter? His nifty earring seems to suggest a man not entirely devoid of vanity. And while lesser Elizabethans might have depended on wigs, Will showed off his scalp with pride. In his own words: ‘My crown is in my heart, not on my head.’ Take comfort, baldies.

4. The Vivienne Westwood

For a fashion designer, a wacky hairstyle is so much of a job prerequisite that you’d be better off poking your eyes out than getting a nice trim. But as a driving force behind the 1976 punk explosion,Vivienne Westwood has a certain reputation to keep up. So Viv’s atomic tangerine dye job charts territory that even ‘Zoolander’ considered unrealistic: trying to make ginger cool. She’s bouffed her locks into a regal perma-wave, cinched them into ‘Pocahontas’ side-plaits, and throughout it all, she’s never shied away from looking like someone’s taken an orange highlighter to her ’do.

5. The Noel Fielding

The Mighty Boosh star’s kooky coiffure has inspired a raft of London trendies to believe that ‘style’ means ‘close your eyes and chop wildly’. His crowning glory was the 2010 blonde bombshell disaster, which he described thus: ‘If Gary Numan fucked Andy Pandy, this is what [the offspring] would look like.’ When he gets it right, it’s very right. When he gets it wrong, it’s Boris Johnson.

6. The Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson

Although a New Yorker by birth (who knew with that accent?), good ol’ Boris is the face of London. To many he is also the ambassador of silly haircuts. Whether he’s being pulled off air for less-than-gentlemanly language or harnessed and trapped dangling from a high wire, this blond buffoon has golden locks that anyone would be proud of. If they were a labrador- shih tzu crossbreed…

7. The Alice Delall

Think long, straggly straight hair, like Kate Moss circa 1993. But, ho! What’s this? A shaved section of head? Tucked behind the ear, creeping fuzzily over the eyebrow, it’s style icon Alice Delall and her hideous half-shave. It’s a kick in the bum to traditional femininity, and thanks to the model (who presumably never got over her teenage rage) it’s now the default look of every 1D fan who wants to masquerade as a rebel.

8. The David Beckham

David Beckham Sky Sports

Ol’ Golden Balls has probably had more haircuts in the last couple of years than he’s had goals. This latest ’do – shaved close around the sides and back but kept long and swept up on top – is certainly one of his more choice cuts (remember those cornrows?). It could also be called ‘the Hackney Wick’, for it can currently be seen on a wide spread of east London hipsters. If you’re thinking of something similar, it goes best with a beard and tattoos. Fading ball skills are not essential.

9. The Darryn Lyons

The mohawk has an illustrious – and lustrous – history. From its proud Native American roots, through to its gluey appearance on the bonces of London punks, it has been a striking statement of cultural identity for centuries. Then Darryn Lyons shows up on ‘Big Brother’, twists the mohawk into some amorphous blob of neon nonsense and ruins it for everyone else. Sorry, punks.

10. The Pat Sharp

Wacky, fun, crazy, it’s outrageous… A true champion of the mullet, DJ and TV presenter Pat stuck with his business-at-the-front, party-at-the-back barnet for over half a decade, before finally getting the snip in 1992. Sporting a much tamer look now, he’s confined to radio (too little, too late), and has left it to Peter Stringfellow to keep the London mullet scene alive. And if anyone can pull the look off… yeah, no one can.

Compiled by Graeme Chesters, Dolly Emmerson, Ben Gerrish, Isal Gray, Chris Jackson, Lolly Jones, Sophie Khachik and Jess Luper

Read our other London top tens.

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