1. Spanish London Fan, £5
London’s multiculturalism is something to be celebrated, but the city’s landmarks spread across a Spanish fan crosses the line from ‘ethnic fusion’ to really rather odd. Although when you’re stuck between stations on a sweltering Central line train in July, you’d cherish it even if it was adorned with the Statue of Liberty, the Taj Mahal and the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
2. Crown Jewels condoms, £8
In order that the purebred line of our beloved royal family continues for many generations, we sincerely hope these regal rubbers are used only by us plebs (of whom there are far too many anyway) and not by the happy couple themselves.
3. Orthographically challenged picture frame, £6.99
Forever remember your wonderful time in London by sticking that photo of you posing beside a red phone box into this almost wilfully illiterate frame, which includes ‘Portebello Road’, ‘Camdon Town’, ‘Bakker St’ and ‘Abby Road’. The framemaker, perhaps delighted he managed to spell one name correctly, has put ‘Victoria’ on there twice.
4. Tube map ladies’ thong, £5
Not quite as convenient as an app, this G-string might get you escorted out of the station if you started consulting it for 7 the best route home. At least it’s practical to keep it about your person while commuting, unlike the Underground map mugs, duvet sets and shower curtains we’ve also spotted recently.
5. Union Jack London bus tourist teapot, £12.99
This item combines the top three London must-haves on every tourist’s checklist: unnecessary and over-the-top Union Jack branding, a big red bus and tea. Unfortunately, when filled with hot liquid, it becomes about as easy to handle as an anvil in a wheelbarrow. Brew at your own peril!
6. London Special Assortment, £4.99
Rich tea, Jammie Dodger, ginger snap, custard cream… You won’t find any of these classic English biscuits in this box of delights. Instead, it holds a range of culturally non-specific sweetmeats (including a doughnut) lovingly made in Spain.
7. The Scent of Departure LHR, £34
The makers of this eau de toilette inspired by Europe’s busiest airport describe its scent as ‘a bouquet of pines and leaves’. As anyone who’s ever been there knows, Heathrow really has a bouquet of sweat, aviation fuel and frustration.
8. TfL oven glove, £10.99
Londoners have a love-hate relationship with the tube. But either way, it seems we can’t get enough of that iconic ’70s orange seat covering. If you’re taken by it, however, and want your house to resemble the space in which most of us spend the most miserable 40 minutes of our days, TfL also makes a wide range of cushions, ironing board covers and tea towels in its multitude- of-sins-hiding fabric.
9. Confused London clock, £6
The face was upside down on the one we got, but that’s perhaps the most forgivable flaw in this bewildering timepiece, which mashes together various London landmarks into an architectural Frankenstein’s monster.
10. Wills and Kate ashtray, £5
After you’ve made proper use of the posh prophylactics at No 2 in this list, demonstrate your unequivocal appreciation of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge by stubbing your post-coital fag out on their smiling faces. Superkings, of course.
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