1. Spirit release
In a nifty rebranding exercise, ridding people of evil spirits, which was formerly known as ‘exorcism’, is now called spirit release. At least that’s what they call it in the alternative therapy community, where it seems to be more about gently ‘facilitating the removal of unwanted mental intrusions’ from lost souls who may have attached themselves to you, and less about battling scary priest-killing kids who have sex with crucifixes.
2. Chavutti thirumal
If you’re sick of people walking all over you then this South Indian ‘massage with sole’ is probably not for you. Using arch, heel and toes, the masseur sweeps one oiled foot at a time down the whole length of the body while holding on to a rope for balance. It’s actually very enjoyable, especially if you have a thing for other people’s feet. For info, see kasia-yoga.com
3. Space clearing
Space clearing usually necessitates a trip to the tip or the car boot sale. But this therapy is all about shifting the stuff that’s invisibly stuck in the walls and furniture of our houses. The previous occupants may have left more than mysterious carpet stains or acres of woodchip wallpaper: the negativity of their financial problems or break-ups can linger horribly, like a sardine behind the fridge. A spaceclearing ceremony features lots of clapping and bellringing but is easy to do yourself – just BYO herbs, cymbals and spirit guides. For info, see spaceclearing.com.
4. Urine therapy
‘I’ve been living on a diet of my own urine for a month,’ shouted a headline in The Sun last year, as a certain Dave from Basildon claimed ‘One of the things I do every day is wash my body with it. My skin is soft and more elastic and my wrinkles have started to fade. Ever since I started rubbing it in, my hair has started to grow back.’ Uropaths insist wee is packed with nutrients – and whether served straight and steaming or added to a bath, the morning stream is reckoned the best. Actress Sarah Miles has drunk a small cup each day for 30 years. The curious should read ‘The Golden Fountain’ or ‘The Water of Life’; everyone else can carry on taking the piss.
5. Past life regression
PLR therapists believe hypnosis opens a door into the unconscious where your past lives – real or ‘spirit’ – are stored, and you can go back however many centuries it takes to sort out a problem that’s bugging you today. Amazingly, most people with a History GCSE ‘remember’ being a Roman emperor or Tudor courtier. For info, see pastliferegression.co.uk.
Pretty much the opposite of ROFLing, this painful ‘structural integration’ was created by American biochemist Ida Rolf. Rolf believed our bodies are at war with gravity – and her defence strategy involves deep massage. So deep, in fact, that Rolfing has been dubbed ‘scream therapy’. A bit of an exaggeration perhaps, but don’t expect to be giggling helplessly on the carpet. For info, see rolfinguk.co.uk.
7. Crystal healing
Science has proved that everyone’s body has an electrical energy field. Science has not proved that lying down and having crystals placed around you can manipulate said energy field and cure a vast range of ailments both physical and emotional. But that doesn’t stop people believing in it. It’s all down to the healer channelling their ‘higher vibrational energy’, apparently. For info, see crystallighthealing.co.uk.
8. Ear candling
Clean ears, clean mind – so the ancient Chinese saying (probably) goes. Also known as ‘thermoauricular therapy’, ear candling has been around for a while now but hasn’t got any less weird. It involves lying on your side and having a hollow beeswax candle stuck in your aural orifice and lit. Fans claim it removes negative energy; sceptics are more worried about where the hot wax ends up. For info, see essentialslondon.com.
9. Angel therapy
Made as they are of pure spirit, and being the ministers of God’s will, angels are entirely contented and don’t need therapists themselves. They do however make excellent therapists for humans. Advocates of angel therapy believe, rather like Robbie Williams, that we all have an angel watching over us, all we need to do is plug into their divine power. And angel energy can be channeled to bring balance to your lives – or, to adopt the lingo, clear our chakras and cleanse our auras. For info, see thedivineperspective.com
10. Emotional freedom technique
‘Psychological acupuncture’ involves tapping yourself with your fingertips on certain parts of the body – the top of your head is recommended – while making an ‘affirmation statement’: ‘Even though I have this [insert specific problem], I deeply and completely accept myself.’ Or alternatively: ‘I feel a complete dick doing the Mobot in public while talking to myself…’ For info, see eftmasters.co.uk.
Compiled by Andrew Shields
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