WHAT HAPPENED? The Conservative leader had just finished an important post-work engagement with the prepackaged salad section of Tesco Metro on Portobello Road. On stepping outside, he realised that his bike had vanished, whereupon he slapped his forehead like a dominatrix who’d mistaken her own face for a buttock.
THE CONSEQUENCES? According to eyewitness reports, Cameron’s usual hue of undercooked salmon deepened to a furious shade of Dolmio and he launched into a rant about introducing Sharia Law (not sure what he meant there). Longer term, Cammo did get his bike back. Or at least the Daily Mirror did, after making enquiries of a local cycle salesman called Ernesto and someone they referred to only as ‘his Rasta friend “KJ”’. Apparently, their ‘street contacts’ helped them find his steed dumped in a road nearby. Sadly by then it only had one tyre left, but at least that afforded Dave a chance to experience what it’s like when the wheels start to come off.
THE AFTERMATH? The incident didn’t change this unremarkable stretch of shop-lined road, but it clearly resonated with the capital’s thieves. When they learned that it was in their power to literally stop the leader of the Tory party in his tracks, it was only a matter of time before they pounced again. Just eight months later, Cameron’s bike was nicked from outside his North Kensington pad.