1. Alan Davies
At first glance you’d assume that Mike Tyson and Alan Davies couldn’t possibly have anything in common. But you’d be wrong, because it turns out that just like Hannibal Lecter, they both have a taste for human flesh. When an aggressive tramp confronted the mild-mannered – and yes, vegetarian – ‘Jonathan Creek’ star on a night out, the stand-up comedian reacted by sinking his teeth into the poor fellow. CCTV showed that the bite lasted around 13 seconds. Mmm. Delicious.
2. Kanye West
We’ve all had bad days at work. The printer jams, your boss calls you Jane when your name is Jim… But when the sound wasn’t up to scratch at Kanye West’s 2013 Hammersmith Apollo gig, Ye made his displeasure known by ranting about Justin Timberlake, petulantly screaming into the mic and chucking it on the floor, where it bounced off the stage and hit a fan. All while wearing a highly appropriate straitjacket. We’ve all been there, Ye, we’ve all been there…
3. Eric Cantona
Ah, football – the beautiful game. Well, sometimes. For one Crystal Palace fan on a cold winter’s day in 1995, it was less beautiful and more… brutal. The supporter in question was allegedly haranguing Manchester United striker Eric Cantona, who then launched himself foot-first at the unsuspecting punter before unleashing a ferocious downpour of punches. Cantona got banned for eight months for his actions, and reacted by saying something about seagulls and sardines.
4. Justin Bieber
If a group of pudgy blokes with cameras tried to block your way and ask you questions about your love life every time you tried to get into a car, you’d probably lose your shit. So maybe we can’t blame old J Bieb for lashing out at a handful of Phil Mitchell-alikes outside his London hotel. ‘I will fucking beat the fuck out of you,’ the diminutive Canadian squealed. Then you saw the paparazzo and thought: ‘Probably best leave it, Juz. He could quite literally eat you.’
5. Hugh Grant
Confronting a photographer outside his west London home, Hollywood’s favourite bumbling Brit managed to repeatedly bumble his foot into said snapper’s leg. A standard celebrity outburst. But somehow, Grant had a family-size tub of baked beans to hand and dumped the lot over his victim. What happened to those mild manners, Hugh?
6. Helen Mirren
Theatre tickets don’t come cheap. So if you spent top dollar to see Helen Mirren play the Queen, and a bunch of drummers started pounding out some beats just outside the theatre, you’d be pretty peeved. You’d probably be entitled to go yell at them, but you wouldn’t have had to, because when it happened last year Dame Helen Mirren took it upon herself to head out there in full royal get-up and tell them to ‘Shut the fuck up’. Sorry, ma’am.
7. Daniel Day-Lewis
The three-time Oscar winner is famous for his method acting where he truly loses himself in a role. Well, during a run as Hamlet at the National Theatre, he totally lost it. Halfway through the performance he announced that he’d seen the ghost of his father standing on stage, stormed off and collapsed. He hasn’t acted on stage since.
8. Leo Sayer
The ‘Big Brother’ house has been the site of countless ridiculous meltdowns, but the most memorable is Leo Sayer’s. ‘I’m leaving the house, guys, because ‘Big Brother’ won’t provide me with underwear,’ he announced, before knocking a wall down with a broom and then fleeing into the night, his afro blowing in the wind. The real surprise was learning that his speaking voice was so many octaves lower than his singing one.
9. Ron Brown
If you really want to make a point, you’ve got to use a mace. Labour MP Ron Brown knew this, and in a 1988 debate about the poll tax, he lifted the ceremonial House of Commons mace into the air, brandished it for a bit – everyone loves a bit of brandishing – and then threw it to the floor causing £1,500 worth of damage. He then petulantly refused to read a pre-agreed apology and looked wonderfully childish in front of the UK media. Twelve years earlier, Michael Heseltine – the shadow industry secretary – grabbed hold of the mace and brandished it (see, told you) in the direction of a group of ‘Red Flag’- singing Welsh Labour MPs after a heated debate. Maybe keep it locked up, chaps – a brandished mace could cause a nasty accident.
10. Wat Tyler
Modern-day celebrity meltdowns? Pah! This is how people used to go batshit crazy back in the day. Wat Tyler – a fourteenth-century roofer – didn’t do things by half. Hell no. He went bigger than that. Way bigger. When he’d had enough of how the paupers were getting treated, he kicked off and started a full-on revolt in which he set fire to the city, killed the lord chancellor and the lord treasurer, then dramatically died following a confrontation with the lord mayor. Beat that, Occupy London! Eddy Frankel
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