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How to torment your Glastonbury-going friends

Posted at 2:30 pm, June 27, 2014 in Arts & Entertainment, Fun London

No Glastonbury selfies

So your friends are going to be living it large at Glastonbury and you can’t help but feel like you’re missing out. How better to spend your weekend than attempting to confuse and mislead them remotely?

PLAN A

First off, you’ll need a different mobile phone – either get a burner, ‘The Wire’-style, or find a friend whose number none of your victims will recognise. Wait for the opportune moment, then start texting. There’s the gloriously vague ‘We’re by the ice cream van where are you??’, or the alluring ‘Prince is playing secret gig at the Manticore tent, 7pm x’.

I don’t really know where the Manticore tent is, so you could also use the power of Prince to lure them somewhere else. I particularly like the Conspiracy Theory tent in the Green Fields, or if they’re actively disgusted by the mere concept of The Levellers, there are plenty of other places to direct them to for some sweet purple rain. Remember not to answer the phone if they ring – you’re not actually at Glastonbury. Unless…

Ed Miliband at Glastonbury

PLAN B

…you actually are. This one might be a bit harder to pull off, as it needs some basic Photoshop skills, but will definitely have the right sort of impact. Send them a picture a bit like the one above (but featuring your face, rather than Ed Miliband’s), with the message ‘OMG just won VIP tickets to backstage, flew in on helicopter this morning, hanging out with Nick Cave at the moment but I’ll give you a shout in a bit x’.

Either keep up the pretence with more Photoshopping, or just ignore them for the rest of the weekend. When they return on Monday, you can regale them with tales about how you snorted rave-puff off the back of a Shetland pony next to Lily Allen whilst they’re still trying to get the mud out of their hair.

PLAN C

What else? Misleading weather maps make a good picture message, perhaps accompanied with the phrase ‘Good luck’. Judging by this weekend’s official forecast, Pilton’s party peeps will actually need a miracle to not return home with trench foot.

BAD WEATHER MAP

Better still, Just troll the b’jesus out of Glasto-goers with bits of breaking news like this:

news-eavis

Or this:

Glasto news Eavis

Or this:

news-daft-punk

Or even this:

news-hammer

And if all else fails, just use the power of cute:

Glato news seals

By Chris Parkinson, who can be found @oneoneoneone or at cdparkinson.wordpress.com​

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