[Photo: Simon Hadleigh-Sparks]
This Sunday (July 6) buses in London officially go cashless. Your money is, quite literally, no good here.
So how to pay? Fortunately, there are six simple ways to get aboard…
1) Touch in with Oyster
[Photo: Okko Pyykkö]
Like oysters from the sea, these cards are natural aphrodisiacs, although unlike sea oysters, they don’t harbour pathogenic levels of norovirus. Also, Pay As You Go fans, you can now take a bus journey even if you haven’t got quite enough credit – it’ll allow you to tip over into a negative balance, just like the tube. Whoa nelly.
2) Use your ‘contactless’ bank card
[Photo: Visa Europe]
Take that card and use it to gently caress the yellow card reader.
Success: it bleeps, softly, sensually.
You have £1.45 less in your bank account.
Take a seat, baby, you’re going all the way to Penge.
3) Bluff your way through with innuendo
‘We don’t take cash anymore – you need to use a…’
‘…oh, I can see what’s going on here.’ WINK WINK.
‘I can’t let you on without a ticket.’
‘Oh, I hear you buddy. Maybe you want me to ‘touch in.’ Is that what you’re saying?’
‘I simply mean that…’
‘Oh, say nothing more. I think I know exactly what you mean. Eh?’
4) Slaughter a goat as an offering to Abellio, Goddess of All Buses
The smell of burnt flesh is pleasing to Abellio. Simply bring along the charred carcass to demonstrate your loyalty to the Master of Routes, for the night is dark, and full of double-deckers.
5) The barter system
[Photo: Wikipedia Commons]
Hark back to a time before money by agreeing a simple exchange of goods and services. Let’s say you’re a senior service delivery manager in the telecommunications industry. In return for your driver taking you home, you could provide him with an end-to-end node-agnostic VOIP solution with guaranteed 99.99% uptime. It’s win-win!
6) The black market
Remember how things worked back when you were in prison? Same deal. The current going rate for a bus ride home is expected to a first-class stamp, a Silk Cut cigarette and a tampon (still in wrapper).