Brace yourself, London. The current spate of steamy weather is ready to unleash a plague upon us. A plague worse than pasty-legged workmates in shorts, meandering exchange students on our streets or the sight of male toenails in sandals. We’re talking mosquitoes, gnats, midges, horseflies – vampiric bitey things.
It seems the heavy rains and warm conditions of late have combined to create the perfect outdoor sauna/spa resort for the stinging nasties to get their freak on and breed. Usually when it gets hot and dry they pack up their tiny mosquito belongings and head off to moister climes but not this year, oh no. They’re out in force and making life miserable for us poor sun-starved Londoners, who like nothing more than taking it down to the banana hammock at the first glimpse of that big ball of flaming gases in the sky.
Gardeners (allotments and their water butts are paradise for these monsters), campers and members of the public alike are being warned to take steps in anticipation of the swarm’s arrival. Stock up on dried and tinned food, barricade yourselves indoors, put tape on your windows and don’t come out until you hear the all-clear – wait, that may be advice from the backing track in Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s ‘Two Tribes’. Alternatively, slap on a bit of repellent if you’re going to be in long grass or near rivers, lakes and ponds (bodies of water, if you will).
Above all, remain calm. This will pass, London. The weather will get drier. And then we can look forward to the wasp epidemic. It never rains…
By Colin Hubbuck (who has already got a very itchy bite)