Did you hear the one about the cows employed as park keepers by Havering Council? Oh wait… that’s a true story.
The red poll cattle have been drafted in to keep grass under control at Bedfords Park. Expected to save the council £300,000 over ten years, the udderly talented animals were chosen because of their lack of horns and totally chilled temperament (sound like the perfect colleagues to us).
The scheme got us thinking – surely London would be a much better city if we gave animals more power. Here are ten animals that need to be given jobs ASAP.
1. Giraffes to keep foliage at bay
Say goodbye to ladders. Say farewell to those terrifying moments when you think an unruly tree branch is going to smash through the window of the 38. Release giraffes on to the streets of London for pristine hedgerows with minimal effort.
2. Chimps: the new street artists
In the ’60s the art world went mad for painter Pierre Brassau who had the ‘delicacy of a ballet dancer’. Turns out he was a chimp named Peter. We can’t wait to see what new-gen chimps can do with a can of spray paint.
3. Birds to tidy our hair
Because if it’s good enough for Homer, it’s good enough for us.
4. Woodland creatures to do household chores
‘Yo, sparrow! Once you’ve sorted out my blow-dry can you help the squirrels with the washing up?!’
5. Fish to clean the streets
You know those fish that chew the dead skin off your feet at Camden Market spas? Imagine if we (briefly) flooded London’s streets with fish-filled water so the critters could chew away all the dried-on gum.
6. Pigeons to pick up our lunch for us
It’s an idea so obvious we’re not sure why the scheme hasn’t been set up yet. Back in 2011, police caught a carrier pigeon smuggling cocaine and marijuana across the country, so we reckon the feathery couriers would find carrying a Pret wrap a doddle.
7. Manatees for a crystal-clear Regent’s Canal
According to the Journal of Irrigation and Drainage Systems, manatees have been used to clear aquatic weeds in South American canals for decades. They can eat 10 percent of their 1000lb body weight per day. We just need to fit them with steel teeth to get through all those mangled bike carcasses and we’re onto a winner.
8. Ferrets as London Underground electricians
In 1999, a group of highly trained ferrets laid TV and lighting cables through a network of tubes under a stage for a gig at Greenwich Park. They’ve proved they’re up to the task – give ’em high-vis jackets and they’ll have the tube running like clockwork in no time.
9. Cheetahs to ride to work on
Not only would a Boris Cheetah scheme decrease congestion and pollution, but since cheetahs can run at 93km per hour, our morning commute times could be cut in half. Sure, unleashing hundreds of lightning-fast predators on the city’s streets could have a couple of side-effects, but if it means never taking the Northern line again, we’re game for a gamble.
10. Pandas to raise morale
Not for any real practical reason, just because they’re adorable. Who wouldn’t want a hug from a panda every morning?!