With just one week to go before the world’s biggest comedy (and arts) festival, the Edinburgh Fringe, wraps up for another year, TV channel Dave has published its annual top ten jokes of the Fringe.
Tim Vine has picked up the gong for the second time for his one-liner, ‘I’ve decided to sell my hoover… well, it was just collecting dust’.
Dave’s survey also collected the worst jokes of the festival but, to be honest, the lists are pretty much interchangeable (as is shown by Tim Vine’s inclusion in the flops list, too).
Here are the complete lists, and below are a few of our comedy editor’s favourites from the fest. Plus you can catch up on all of our Ed Fringe comedy reviews right here.
Dave’s Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Fringe Festival 2014
‘I’ve decided to sell my hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.’
‘I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.’
‘Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.’
‘I was given some sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.’
‘I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.’
‘Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.’
Paul F Taylor
‘Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying.’
‘I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame ’cause halfway through he disappears up his own arsehole.’
‘I’ve been married for ten years, I haven’t made a decision for seven.’
‘This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.’
Honourable mentions– Those one-liners that just missed out on the top spots:
‘I go to the kebab shop so much that when they call me boss in there it’s less a term of affection, more an economic reality.’
‘Leadership looks fun, but it’s stressful. Just look at someone leading a conga.’
‘I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.’
Top of the Flops– And some of the jokes voted the least laughable included:
‘My mate sat on my pumpkin. He butternut squash it.’
‘I had a friend call Iain. Two ‘i’s… to go with the face.’
‘I’m lazy – my childhood ambition was to be an injured footballer.’
‘This vodka is drunk by the rapper Sean Combs. P Diddy? Only when he drank a whole bottle.’
Ben McFarland and Tom Sandham
‘I tried to Google endangered species. They were hard to find.’
Suns of Fred
‘I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.’
Our Comedy Editor’s favourites
‘Chalk and cheese? Chalk and any food. It’s the not the cheese’s fault.’
‘I love “Desert Island Discs”. If I was on “Desert Island Discs” one of my discs would be the theme tune to “Desert Island Discs”.’
‘Pop up your hand if you like participating in market research.’
‘Stephen Hawking’s just brought out a new book. It’s about time.’
‘Why is Tim Burton’s macaroni art so terrible? Because it’s glued to Johnny Depp.’
Find more funny business at timeout.com/comedy.