Life in London: so many issues. Our inquisitive editor-at-large addresses the ones that nobody else dares (or cares) to. This week: why Scotland shouldn’t leave London.
I love the UK just the way it is. Sure, I’d change a few things (The Daily Mail, Jeremy Clarkson, lack of hoverbuses), but we’re basically a nation that’s built around liking other cultures. Britain is, essentially, a big, drizzly Facebook wall, with 60 million people slapping thumbs-up emojis all over different cultures’ asses. Plus, no matter what our background or worldview, we’re all bound together by one profound feeling. The desire to yell ‘I’d rather listen to shagging foxes!’ at ‘The X Factor’.
But now Scotland is thinking about unfriending us and, well, it’s a bit sad, no? Remember that day we created the NHS? Hooboy, we had some pretty good times together. And what will it all be lost over, huh? A campaign that has somehow reduced our entire shared history to a tickbox saying: ‘Do you pledge fealty to David Cameron’s massive, shiny face?’
Life would suck without the Scots. Our flag, for a start, would be rubbish. Without the blue background to counteract all the red lines, we’d be left with a big red X running through a giant plus sign. Basically, we’d have a flagful of angry maths corrections. Running that up the flagpole, we’d look like a nation of disgruntled algebra teachers. We might as well replace it with a bit of scrap paper upon which we’ve scrawled: ‘Must try harder!’
Also, no way would our politicians be able to run the nation. After all, how could you get on with the day job when you’ve just been dumped by an entire country? Look at them, they’re already emotional wrecks: David Cameron looks like he’s spending his evenings drinking red wine on his own and bawling along to ‘All By Myself’; George Osborne’s started promising new powers to Scotland if it stays. Which, essentially, reduces the debate to Scotland awkwardly dragging England across the floor while it clings to Scotland’s leg and sobs: ‘Don’t leave! I can change!’
And what if independence starts to trend, huh? Sure, Scotland breaking away makes sense – it is, after all, a separate state bound to us by an act of parliament. But now Cornish MPs are claiming that the South West should get its own parliament. If this carries on, we’re screwed. How long until antisocial nutters start declaring their bedrooms to be The Autonomous State of Colin? Don’t know about you, but I don’t want to have to go to my shared kitchen with a longsword in case of border skirmishes around the biscuit tin.
But must it happen? After all, we’re not so different, us Londoners and the Scots. With one solitary Tory MP elected in Scotland, they didn’t vote in this government and neither – if you look at the majority vote across Greater London – did we. They’re a semi-autonomous region that can’t properly govern itself without more power; our mayor can’t even initiate his scheme for segregated cycle lanes unless central government signs off on it. They love fried food, we queue for burgers daily. Their men like to fancy themselves up by wearing a nice skirt and, well, three words for you: London Fashion Week.
So can’t the Scots take us with them? We’re a match made in heaven. Plus, if nothing else, we can bring a lot of cash – thus it’d be a marriage of convenience too. So, in conclusion: WE LOVE YOU, SCOTLAND! DON’T LEAVE US! WAAAAHHHHH!!!
For another of Alexi’s comical ponderings have a read of: ‘When’s it National Bunk Off Work to Bonk Day, huh?’