Life in London: so many issues. Our inquisitive editor-at-large addresses the ones that nobody else dares (or cares) to. This week: why Private Dancer deserves a medal.
Remember that dancing Buckingham Palace guard from a few weeks ago? You know: the one who jazzed up his regiment’s poker-up-bumhole marching style by busting some moves? Who wound up delighting more than 2 million people on YouTube? You probably know him as ‘Private Dancer’. Well, it looks like he’s going to be fined £1,000. Or chucked in military jail for three weeks.
Now don’t get me wrong. There are definitely moments in army life when titting about should earn you a severe bollocking. No soldier who’s cowering under a hail of bullets wants to hear their superior officer yell: ‘Over the top, lads! It’s conga time!’ And if you can’t be relied upon to not Riverdance during battle, you’re probably lacking the appropriate military ‘can do’ attitude. Although, full marks for your ‘do can-can’ attitude.
But come on, military peeps, can’t we give Private Dancer a break? According to the Ministry of Defence: ‘Anyone who is found to fall short of the army’s high standards can expect to face appropriate action.’ Plus, according to a Telegraph article by a former member of the regiment, three weeks banged up would be lenient. After all, this is at ‘a time when we’re trying to give the fanatical Islamists in Afghanistan and Iraq at least the impression of our fearsome reputation as a military nation’.
Guys, we’re talking about the fuzzy-wuzzy-hat men here. They look like living, breathing bog brushes! It’s like someone shoved a rifle into the hands of an upturned, hairy exclamation mark. They’re not exactly the most crap-your-pants terrifying military solution that Britain has to offer.
I mean, yes, they are genuine, battle-hardened soldiers. But they’re not just about being good at filling people full of holes, are they? After all, a few months ago, the Queen’s Guards brass band went viral for playing the ‘Game of Thrones’ theme. The military importance of being able to parp away like you’re soundtracking a gratuitous Kings Landing shagfest? Well, it’s… erm, nope. No idea.
Plus, they owe their whole existence to being part of the pomp and ceremony of the royal family. And, well, doesn’t that mean that they should be the pompiest, most ceremonious guards possible? It’s the royal family! One of the most OTT daft institutions in Britain! For the Queen’s Golden Jubilee they surrounded Bryan May with helicopters and had him fretwank from the top of Buckingham Palace!
Thus, Mr Private Dancer isn’t a very naughty guard. He is, in fact, probably the world’s greatest ever Queen’s Guard. After all, he’s the only uniform jockey to singlehandedly rack up 2 million YouTube views and counting. The man is a sensation. He’s a megastar of the patrolling world. A Beatle of bearskin. The Gaga of guarding.
If the MoD take any action after this incident, it should be this. Firstly, they shouldn’t fine the dancing guardsman; they should give him a raise. Then they should immediately promote him to Official Keeper of The Queen’s Badass Dance Moves. Put him in charge of training other recruits to throw radical shapes and overnight you’d create the single most fun piece of national heritage there is. Twerking hoofers in bearskin! Macarena-dancing sentries with epic tea cosies on their heads! Jigging dudes with rifles! Granted, it wouldn’t be dignified. But look at the YouTube numbers. It’s what the people want.
Find out more of Alexi’s burning questions including ‘Being able to use mobiles on the tube: will it drive us mental?’