Think ‘Brian Harvey’, and there are three things most people think. These are:
1. That he once reversed over his own face while high on potatoes
2. That before he reversed over his own face while high on potatoes, he was the singer in East 17
3. He likes to wear wooly hats that looked like distended condoms. Also, did we mention that he reversed over his own face while high on potatoes?
As we type, however, he is currently outside 10 Downing Street, holding a white ring binder, demanding to see David Cameron. Why? At the moment, no-one knows. What we want to know, however, is this: what’s in Brian’s binder.
Here are our five best guesses:
1. A dossier demanding urgent European reform. European song contest reform, that is
How do you recover from smashing your body to pieces on the wheels of your own Mercedes? You try to win Eurovision with a moving song about your struggle to regain the strength to wipe your own bum. Sadly, however, despite a tear-jerking bid to be the UK’s 2007 entry preceeded by a video clip in which he referred to the accident roughly 75,000,000 times (watch it here), he didn’t make it in. Thus clearly proving that someone needs to do something about Eurovision. You tell ‘em, Brian.
2. His electricity bills
In 2011, Brian made a video of a pre-pay electricity meter being fitted to his house, by court order, due to non-payment of utility bills (because, according to him, they were in the wrong name). Police turned up to supervise, no doubt worried that Brian would attempt to menace the workers by offering them 12 ecstasy pills in one night or squealing ‘House of Love’ into their earholes. Thus, Brian beginning to rant about ‘Communist China’, uploading the video under the heading ‘Police State Walthamstow’. This attempt to see Mr Cameron, we hope, is an attempt to once and for all set the record straight. Or at least use jump leads to siphon off a little leccy.
3. Reasons he’s defecting to UKIP
That’s right – you heard it here first. Mr Harvey’s the latest high-profile ship-jumper to definitely-not-racist party Ukip. His ring-binder is in fact crammed full of pages and pages of carefully reasoned explanation of this decision which cannot possibly be simplified for minds as weak as ours. But if we had to have a go, we’d guess it said:
‘Reasons why I am joining the Ukip by Brian Harvey, aged 40 and one quarter
a. I like a kip.
b. U like a kip.
c. Erm, they are about napping, right?’
4. His phone number
Sod the big-wig polling gurus that the Tories are thinking about hiring to boost their votes at the next election. Brian Harvey’s what you need. For Christ’s sake, he’s basically invented napalm out of the contents of a greengrocer. The man’s an evil genius. Given ten minutes alone with Ed Miliband and a potato, he can make David Cameron’s problems go away overnight. It’d be like what happened to Viktor Litvinenko, except you could use the leftovers to make chips.
This is Brian Harvey guys. You know: the one who sang ‘House of Love’ in a fake beard, while holding a red plastic trident so he could brainwash your mind about the environment and shit? He doesn’t bloody need a reason to see David Cameron. In fact, come to think of it, we’re not even sure David Cameron deserves to see him.