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21 things London letting agents say… and what they really mean

Posted at 1:15 pm, October 20, 2014 in Property
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1. ‘It’s a lively area’

There will be students yelling David Guetta outside your house at 3.30am on Tuesday mornings.

2. ‘Original features’

It’s literally falling apart. DON’T LEAN ON THE BANNISTER.

3.  ‘All mod cons’

There’s a washing machine. Oh, and the previous tenants left that dubious looking toaster.

4. ‘It’s not quite in the area you were looking for’

It’s south of the river when you said north.

5. ‘Nearby local shops and nightlife’

Above a 24-hour kebab shop.

6.  ‘It’s really warm because it’s above a 24-hour kebab shop’

It stinks.

7.  ‘Has a homely feel’

Is grubby as hell. And home to several families of mice.

8.  ‘I’ll call you with any more properties that come up’

You’re going to have to hound me with phone calls and emails before I respond.

9.  ‘Vibrant’

Constant. Noise.

10. ‘Cosy’

TINY.

11. ‘Waterside view’

Overlooks a sewage plant/stagnant reservoir.

12. ‘Here’s the bit I really hate talking about: money…’

Money? I love talking about that shit!

13. ‘It’s light and airy’

It has no insulation so you’ll freeze to death in winter.

14. ‘Just ten minutes from the tube station’

If you sprint.

15. ‘Rustic exposed brickwork’

The plaster has all sort of fallen off. Soz.

16. ‘There’s a nice quiet guy upstairs, he keeps to himself so you’ll have no problems’

There’s a weird recluse living above you who doesn’t appreciate any form of social event or party. Or noise, so keep it down.

17. ‘It’s charming’

It’s a shithole.

18. ‘It’s full of character’

It’s a shithole.

19. ‘It’s a MUST SEE’

It’s a shithole.

 20. ‘You can really make it your own’

It’s massively old fashioned and needs loads of work to make it liveable. Features an avocado-coloured bathroom.

21. ‘You’ve left it too late. You’ll never find a place in time’

You’ve got loads of time, but I don’t want to show you any more of these shitholes. 

 See 16 of the weirdest flat adverts in London here

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