We bet that you’ve been or encountered at least one of these classic nightbus riders on a long journey home…
1. The Solo Drunk On A Mission
‘I’m fine to get home!’ the solo drunk yells to their mates who hang guiltily back at the club. How hard can it be? One little bus and then they’re warm and dry, toastie in hand, head against pillow. The sign is blurry but they’re pretty sure that the 88 goes right past their house. Yes it definitely does. Yes. Definitely. They’ll soon be crossing the river… any minute now, just stay on a little longer. Wait. Was that Piccadilly Circus? Fuck it. It’s going the wrong way. In an attempt to get home before their friends and save face, the solo drunk will quickly get in an Uber. What’s £50 in the big grand scheme of things?
2. The Open Book
It’s 4am and you’ve just finished your night shift. You smell of beer and other people’s sick. But it’s okay, it’s over, and you’ve got your favourite seat on the bus – top front right – cos it kinda feels like you’re driving. iPod in. Relax. Then she comes up the stairs, looks at you with those sad watery eyes and starts sobbing. She sits down next you, tapping you on the shoulder intermittently until you pull out your earphone. Starting from the beginning – the very beginning, she goes right back into her childhood friendships through to the present day. The monologue is something to do with James, or Kirsty, or Alan. And there’s no escape, she won’t stop. Only 45 minutes to go…
3. The Argumentative Arsehole
The bus has been at a standstill for 15 minutes. Neither bus driver or AA is backing down. He’s ‘fucking tapped in’ and there’s ‘no fucking way he’s getting off the fucking bus’. As if rehearsed, the other passengers begin a chant of ‘get off the fucking bus’, there’s clapping and harmonies, and someone’s even making up a little dance routine. Everyone’s getting involved. Thirty minutes later and he’s been wrestled off the bus by Team Bus Driver.
4. The Sleeper
Waking up at 5am in Walthamstow is nobody’s idea of a good night. But that’s just par for the course for the sleepers. They’re normally alone, tucked up snoozing somewhere in the corner. Be careful of waking these ones, they’ll usually break out into pure panic.
5. The Raucous Rabble
These people travel in packs – all-singing, all-dancing ones. Commonly found around 1am they’re going out, not going home. Smartphones are out and they’re hashtagging the hell out of their night with selfies galore. Listen to their tuneful reprises of past unay chants from the good old days – but watch out for flying beer cans and bad chat-up lines.
By Lucie Horton
Like this? For more funny London lists take a look at London’s top ten pub commandments.