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Say it with a ring: give your loved one a bronze arsehole

Posted at 6:30 pm, December 22, 2014 in Fun London
Edible Anus © David Sandison

Looking for that perfect gift for that special someone? How about a bronze bumhole? Alexi Duggins gets his arse cast for posterity. Photography: David Sandison.

It’s not what it looks like! All right: it is a bit what it looks like. I did whip my knickers off for a photographer and let strange men tamper with my bumhole. But they told me it was ‘art’!

‘There’s something beautiful about your anus,’ says the man who’s set to make a model from my bum. But… but… how does he know? At this stage we’re still on a sofa, chatting. I’ve still got my trousers on! ‘I mean the anus in general,’ he says. ‘Remove it from the rest of the body and it could be a piece of coral. Or a flower.’

A lot is explained by the beauty he finds in booty. Magnus Irvin, along with business partner Michael Ritzema, is Edible Anus. Primarily artists, they’ve also spent the last decade making bumholeshaped luxury Belgian chocolates. The chocs have been ordered by Graham Norton, Stephen Fry, The Scissor Sisters and other people who aren’t gay celebs. So far, they’ve all come from the same anus – that of a woman who let Irvin mould her back passage after they met at a bus stop. Now, having seen demand for their products grow year on year, the pair are offering a solid bronze cast of your own personal anus at £1,200 a poop. Sorry, a pop.

Edible Anus © David Sandison

But what do you do with a bronze bumhole? ‘People give them as gifts,’ says Ritzema. Really? When I offered my bumhole to my mum she cackled like a pissed hyena. ‘It’s meant to be funny,’ Irvin adds. ‘If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t do it.’

Well, it certainly helps if you have a sense of humour about it. As I prepare to have my own cast made, I’m handed a pot of Vaseline and told: ‘Go and grease your arse.’ A quick trip to the loo later, I’m pointed to a medical-style couch and made to lie on my back and curl my knees towards my face in a position that’s part gymnastic accident, part nightmarish Customs and Excise investigation.

Edible Anus © David Sandison

Still, my worries are slightly allayed by the fact that this man is a professional. ‘Oh no, you’re only the second person I’ve done this to,’ says Irvin. What? ‘Well I did myself too, but all the gel started running down my nuts on to my face.’

Oh Jesus.

Irvin vanishes behind me with a jug full of the same alginate gel that dentists use to make moulds of your mouth. It looks like lumpy WKD. Suddenly my bumhole feels very, very cold. (‘Sorry! It doesn’t work with warm water!’) I lie there, waiting for it to solidify. Soon it’s time to see what we’ve got. ‘This may feel a little creepy,’ says Irvin, and there’s a weird sensation of custard being scooped out of my backside.

Edible Anus © David Sandison

Five minutes later, I’m staring at a lurid blue mountain range created from my bum fold. It’s currently the inverse of my delicate bits, though, so to turn it into an exact replica – which they then send to a foundry to be cast in bronze – plaster of Paris is poured over it. It sets, Irvin breaks it open and my plaster butthole reveals itself to the room. ‘Beautiful,’ sighs the PR lady. ‘Ooh!’ coos Ritzema. And, well, I guess it doesn’t look so bad. Sort of like a scallop, or something. ‘It’s not so ugly, is it?’ Irvin asks. I guess not. From now on, I’m referring to it as my ‘arthole’.

To book a bespoke casting from Edible Anus, email info@edibleanus.com. For their chocolate anuses, see edibleanus.com.

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