Urgh, January. It’s just a big old pile of meh. All you want to do is curl up on the couch and not move a muscle. But how? Let us show you the way. Photography Rob Greig.
Don’t lift a finger
Hard work is overrated, so don’t bother. Eddy Frankel previews London’s best home services.
Don’t walk your dog
You probably bought a dog thinking, This will totally get me chicks, but quickly realised that owning a canine is like having a horribly annoying hairy child. All that barking and pooping – no thanks. So get Bone Rangers to walk the pooch instead, because life is enough of a bitch as it is. From £15 for 90 minutes.
Don’t clean up
If you’ve been to a house party, you get to spend the next day just enjoying your hangover, but if you’re the host, you have to spend your time cleaning up everybody else’s cigarette butts and covertly hidden spew. It’s the price you pay. Unless the price you pay is a fee to a dedicated posthouse- party cleaning company. After Party Cleaning will come over and wash away all your regrets in no time at all. From £12 per hour (minimum charge £48).
Seriously, just don’t clean up
And while we’re on a cleaning tip, if you’re going to pay someone to de-filthify your abode, you might as well do it with a clean conscience too. EcoBoothe is a cleaning service that uses ecofriendly materials that don’t harm the oceans or the planet. Spotless house, spotless conscience. From £9.50 per hour, min three hours.
Don’t fix your bike
Does fixing your bike make you feel all deflated? Why not get one of London’s many mobile bike repairers to come to your flat and fix that flat tyre in, well, seconds flat. Mobile Cycle Service offers everything from a £15 puncture repair up to a £110 full service. Not as cheap as doing it yourself, but infinitely less hassle.
It’s not like going out for a massage is the most strenuous of activities in the first place, but you can put the lazy ‘ass’ in ‘massage’ by letting the back rub come to you. The London Mobile Massage will swoop into your home, slather you in oil and rub away those worries. And no, it’s not that kind of massage, that’s illegal. From £50 for one hour.
Don’t do your laundry
The biggest shock when you first leave your childhood home to become a proper ‘adult’ is discovering that clothes don’t miraculously clean themselves. Most of us go through a period of just not bothering, but quickly realise that we smell repulsive. Still, doing laundry is tedious, so let The Doorstep Laundry come over, pick up your filthy pants and return them all clean and starched. Pick up and delivery £2.50 each way, £20 minimum spend.