Nope, it’s not like the movies. Your handcuffs are pink, fluffy and from an old Ann Summers party, you’re tied to an Ikea bedpost it took you three days to assemble – and your Christian Grey suddenly looks a bit nervous. He’s lost the key.
With the release of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ today, London Fire Brigade is anticipating a big increase in call-outs to people stuck in copycat bondage shenanigans.
Already, on average, the capital’s fire fighting crews are called to more than one embarrassing S&M incident every day. Brilliant. You clumsy, kinky bunch, you. Evidently, each incident costs the taxpayer the grand sum of £295, which is quite a lot, considering.
So go ahead and get your kink on, just remember where you put the key (or, do it on purpose, and hey presto – fireman fantasy).
Read our review of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey‘ now (just don’t go getting too many crazy ideas).
By Phoebe Trimingham, who hated the book and won’t be going to see the film.