1. Complain about London
Oh, it’s expensive is it? I had no idea! I was too busy slicing my hand open on the rusty springs down the back of my sofa while desperately trying to find enough change for a pack of Skips. Londoners know this city is expensive, we know it’s dirty, and yeah, we know it’s fucking drizzling again. If you hate it so much, feel free to move to Basingstoke. Good luck finding a pop-up burger bar there, buddy.
2. Struggle with Oyster machines
Try out this experiment – go to a busy tube station, get to the front of the queue for an Oyster machine and then pretend you don’t know what an Oyster machine is. Maybe gesticulate wildly, or speak in a foreign language – preferably directly into the card reader as if it’s a giant yellow help button – and make sure you keep pressing the ‘cancel transaction’ button. See how long your eardrums can survive without perforating from the deafening chorus of tuts behind you.
3. Be a child
Or an old person. If you dare walk down a street at a pace less than a semi-jog, Londoners pick you up and throw into oncoming traffic. It doesn’t matter if you’re a tiny infant, a doddery pensioner, or just a tourist jovially taking in the sights – if you impede a Londoner’s progress towards their Pret latté, prepare for pain. We are but moments away from someone starting a petition to keep children and old people out of the city between the hours of 6am and 11pm Monday to Friday.
4. Have a good time
Nothing annoys Londoners more than the joy of others. Playful schoolkids, happy drunks, loved-up couples on a romantic date – do they not know that their happiness is impinging on everyone else’s grumbly misery? We’re all on our way home to watch ‘The Apprentice’ on catch-up and eat a microwave curry, and they have the audacity to be happy! It goes against everything that makes Britain great.
5. Press the door button on the tube
Is there a more nervewracking experience than watching a tourist place their hands on a tube door’s ‘open’ button? You see them inch towards the panel, thinking: No… they can’t think that’s going to work… oh please god, no. But before the train has even come to a full stop they’re clickclick- clicking on that button and looking bemused because their actions are having no effect. Every time they press it, it’s like they’re jabbing their chubby fingers straight into your eye.
By Eddy Frankel, who needs to chill.