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Love hurts: Time Out readers’ funny fails at kinky sex

Posted at 10:00 am, February 15, 2015 in Dating, Fun London

Handcuffs Rob Greig

As ‘Fifty Shades’ hits cinemas, three Time Out readers reveal what happened to them when kink went wrong. Don’t try this at home… Interviews Alexi Duggins

My boyfriend’s mum had to call the fire brigade

Sarah, 19 I was in my boyfriend’s bedroom, totally in the mood, when I decided to try something new: handcuffing myself to the bed. ‘Hmm, I’m not sure about that,’ he said. ‘Where are the keys?’ ‘Don’t worry. There’s a little latch you push and then the handcuffs just come off.’ ‘That doesn’t sound right to me.’ It wasn’t right. Once I’d snapped them shut, the latch simply loosened the cuffs, and I had no idea where the keys were that opened them. We tried using butter to lubricate my wrist, then vegetable oil, then actual Ann Summers lube until I was totally covered in goop. But I still couldn’t slip my wrist out.

We realised we had to call the fire brigade. Unfortunately, my boyfriend lived with his parents. So five minutes later, I’m lying there, boobs out, cuffed to the bed when his mum comes in to help. Suddenly she’s rubbing butter on me while I’m wriggling around and trying desperately to cover myself. By the time the fire brigade arrived I was basically a naked, greasy mess. Looking back, I have no idea what was going through my head when I locked the cuffs. I was just being really irresponsible. Irresponsibly horny.

My friend asked me to strangle her

Rob, 30
My friend Jenny was being a little flirtier than usual on a night out, and ended up crashing on my sofa. A few hours later, I was woken by a knock on my door. ‘Mind if I sleep in here instead?’ she asked. As we started getting down to it she whispered into my ear, ‘I’m really into breath work.’ ‘Erm… what?’ ‘Choke me!’ she barked. ‘It’s the only way I can come!’

For a few minutes I feebly stroked her throat like she was a cat I was trying to encourage to swallow a pill, until she propped my arm up on the mattress and started pushing her neck down on it as hard as she could. That seemed to hit the spot. But just as her violent gurgling reached a crescendo, she suddenly went silent and rolled on to the floor. ‘Jenny?’ I said. ‘Jenny!’ She didn’t move. I realised that when the police turned up, the testimony they’d take from my flatmates is that they left her happily asleep on the sofa. Then they heard a woman’s cries of agony. Then her dead body turns up on my floor. Oh shit. Ohshitohshitohshit. I was freaking out, and then… ‘Gasp!’ Jenny sat up. She looked me in the eye and said just one word: ‘Again.’

My dom turned out to be a wimp

Mikita, 31
I came across this intriguing profile on Tinder: ‘Experienced New York dom looking for subs’. I thought: Well I haven’t done that, but he looks hot, so I’ll give it a go. He messaged me to go to a boardroom in a posh hotel for an ‘interview’. After 30 minutes of waiting in the boardroom on my own, in walks this guy. He is not hot. But he starts talking and does become quite attractive. ‘It’s like going down the rabbit hole,’ he tells me. ‘Once you’re inside, vanilla sex will never be enough.’ The situation is sort of sexy.

Soon, I’m stood there totally naked while he’s fully clothed. He starts pulling my hair and going down on me. At that moment two security guys, who’ve clearly been watching the whole thing on CCTV, rush in, yelling: ‘Youíre gonna be arrested!’ Instantly this ‘dominant’ guy turns into a quivering wreck. ‘Please don’t arrest me,’ he begs. They take him away, though I manage to convince them not to have me arrested. Five minutes later, as I’m walking through the hotel with my knickers in my pocket, I get a text from him: ‘You okay? Meet me in reception.’ ‘No thanks,’ I text back. ‘You’re not my master. You can’t even master a hook-up.’

Take a look at these love letters to London.

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