We guess how tonight’s Brit Awards will pan out.
New hosts Ant and Dec stride out to the sounds of ‘Let’s Get Ready to Rhumble’ – to remind you that they were once bona fide popstars. Psyche!
Best Breakthrough Act goes to Sam Smith. He’s learned a lot after cleaning up at the Grammys, and comes on stage with a shopping trolley.
Best British Video is a public vote. So that’s a win for One Direction, then. Collecting the award for ‘You & I’, they have the good grace to thank all the creatives involved on the shoot. Just kidding. They shuffle around and get shrieked at, of course.
Global bestie, Taylor Swift, performs ‘Style’ with customary flawlessness. Dads everywhere exclaim: ‘I just don’t get it.’
Ant and Dec temporarily forget where they are and tell FKA Twigs she has a minute to eat a kangaroo anus.
Madonna performs. Grindr temporarily comes to a complete and total halt.
Much though we wanted anonymity heroine Sia to win International Female Solo Artist, she’s up against Taylor Swift. Tay wins, of course.
It’s Sam Smith, again – this time for Best Single of the Year for ‘Stay with Me’. Having delivered every possible platitude in recent weeks, he expresses his thanks with a few taekwondo moves instead.
George Ezra does a turn of his mellifluous nice-boy strumming. Mums everywhere secretly think: ‘I hope I don’t get this album for Mother’s Day’, and ‘Did I really live through punk rock for this?’
After being oddly interrupted by Kanye West at the Grammys, Beck wins again for International Male Solo Artist.
Watching at home, Kanye bangs his fist on a table and demands to be omnipresent. Update: it turns out Kanye will be there. WHOOP WHOOP.
Best Album goes to Ed Sheeran. Someone somewhere emerges from a coma, and drily mouths the word: ‘Really?’
The Brit Awards 2015 are at The O2 on Wed Feb 25.
Take a look at our top ten London gigs in February
By Oliver Keens