1. ‘Drinks aren’t that expensive’
No matter how many times we tell ourselves that £4.50 is cheap for a pint, we are all categorically wrong. It’s just easier to kid ourselves than accept that we’re drinking and then literally pissing away our salaries. Remember when we were students and all thought £2 was a ‘bit much’ for a Carlsberg? Hold on to that thought and head to a Wetherspoon’s this Friday.
2. ‘I’m just too busy to go to museums’
If we’re all too busy to find time for museums and culture, how come we have enough time to spend our whole weekends on the couch Netflixing ourselves into a coma? Face it, Londoners aren’t too busy for the theatre or fancy exhibitions, we’re just knackered lazy sods who’d rather spend our spare time sprawled at home, dribbling hot sauce on to our pyjamas and pretending we definitely don’t reek of two-day-old BO. You could go to the V&A if you actually wanted to, but wouldn’t it be nicer to just not bother? With anything at all? Ever?
3. ‘I wish I lived in the countryside’
If any of us were actually going to go full rural, we’d already own a cheese farm and a labrador with a human’s name. But we all quite like our ‘boring’ desk jobs in reality. And living in a village means smiling at people in the street, doing our supermarket shops before 6pm and saying ‘Gosh, that’s a well-trimmed rosebush!’ with a straight face. What we really want is London with its museums we never visit and drinks we can’t afford. We’ll never leave.
4. ‘I can leave ten minutes later and still be on time’
Just because you once managed to get from Dalston to Shaftesbury Avenue in 29 minutes doesn’t mean you have the TfL equivalent of ‘the knowledge’. We’ve all read ’31 ways to Hack the London Underground’ and discovered the ‘secret’ exit at Holborn station. So, in Londoners’ minds, it will always take ten minutes less than Citymapper thinks to reach our destination. And we’re all late for everything always.
5. ‘It’s definitely cost-effective to eat out for every meal’
Ah, that twang of guilt while tapping in your PIN for an £8.79 Pret binge. It’s the disapproval of our parents, as they tuck into a clingfilmed sandwich somewhere in the suburbs. We all know that overpriced coffee, plus overpriced porridge, plus overpriced sandwich, plus dinner with the laydeez is a one-way ticket to our overdraft limit. Thing is, no one wants a stale packed lunch. Plus, whatís more disheartening than eating the same pasta bake for dinner everyday? Nothing, mate.
By Kate Lloyd, who gave up lying for Lent, and then gave up Lent.