Giles Coren prepares for power.
There’s a massive sex party with free drugs and rare-breed hotdogs happening in Britain on May 7, which is not actually true but if I’d said ‘General Election’ you’d already have stopped reading.
And you’d have stopped reading because nobody is interested in party politics any more. And that includes the people who will be trying to get elected. Prospective MPs from the three main parties are going to be campaigning mostly on local issues for the first time in living memory, because their parties and leaders are so embarrassing they think it’s safer not to mention them on the doorstep at all.
And can you blame them? Would you want your continued employment over the next five years to be dependent on how much people warm to the Arrogant Bastard, the Hypocritical Drip or the Wheezing Nerd Virgin?
It’s nobody wanting any of them that has led to the surge of the single-issue party, with UKIP, the Scottish Nationalists, Plaid Cymru and the Greens likely to hold the balance of power despite offering, respectively, only beery xenophobia, the dismantling of the United Kingdom and free veggie burgers for all.
Everyone is talking about a seven-way election, but I have a better plan. How about a million-way election where everything we care about locally gets its own party and then we just vote for the thing we want most? I’m talking about a ballot paper that looks something like the one below.
Feel free to add your own party to the list and then vote for it: it beats choosing any of the rubbish ones currently available. It’s real democracy, is this. Although clearly you would end up with a multi-coalition government, and you’d just have to hope it was the one you wanted. I’m all up for a Free-Beer-No-Dogshit-Gentrified-Independent-Wales Alliance. How about you?
Spoil your paper now!
The Stop This Gentrification Madness Party ☐
The Gentrify the Hell Out of Everything I’ve Got a House Round Here Party ☐
The Move the Abbey Road Zebra to Snaresbrook to Confuse Tourists and Relieve Traffic Party ☐
The Let Key Workers Jump Queues for Ramen Noodle Soup Party ☐
The Queue Here to Shag Ross Poldark Party ☐
The I’m Fed Up with Posh Coffee Can’t We Just Go Back to Nescafé Party ☐
The Please Don’t Write ‘Sarf London’ for ‘South London’ It Isn’t Funny Any More Party ☐
The If Your Dog Poos on the Pavement You Have to Eat It Party ☐
The No Standing at the Bottom of the Escalator Speaking Italian Party ☐
The Put a Stop to Stop and Search Party ☐
The Search All Those Bloody Youngsters They’re All Dodgy Party ☐
The Bring the Price of a London Pint Down to £2 Party ☐
The Fuck It Make Beer Free Party ☐
The Reopen York Road Station Party ☐
The Close Bank Station Party ☐
The Ban Three-Storey Basements Under London Houses Party ☐
The Leave Us Alone or We Will Kill You with Polonium Association of Russian Home Owners Party ☐
The Stop the Damming of the Hampstead Ponds Party ☐
The Who Gives a Damn About Hampstead They’re All Rich Tossers Party ☐
The Pull Down the Shard Party ☐
The Let’s Face It Columbia Road Flower Market Is a Busted Flush Party ☐
The No Closure of Tufnell Park for Seven Months Just to Mend a Bloody Lift Party ☐
Lost your deposit? Tweet him at @gilescoren