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The 14 stages of a pub garden drinking session

Posted at 4:15 pm, May 1, 2015 in Food & Drink
pub garden

1. You turn up late

You’ll promise to get to get down your local by noon, but will end up crawling out of the house at two-ish, un-showered, after accidentally watching three hours of ‘Saturday Kitchen’. Shit, you forgot to bring any cash, didn’t you?

2. You fail to get a seat

You spend most of the afternoon lurking next to a group of happy seated people. Then dominate conversation by repeatedly asking whether your mates can see anyone who looks like they’re leaving: ‘She’s picking up her bag. Hang on, he’s getting up too. Wait for it… Wait for it…’ No one ever leaves.

3. You get a fruit cider

And immediately remember why you never drink it at any other time of the year. Might as well have just bought a WKD and emptied all the sugar sachets you could find into it. Mmm, diabetes.

4. You switch to a ridiculous summer cocktail

Yes, you definitely need to start mixing your drinks, that’s really going to pay off tomorrow.

©Jonathan Perugia

5. You crack and take a #blueskies Instagram

Three drinks in, you suddenly feel all emotional about the sky being so beautiful and it being a perfect day and how you’re so glad all your mates are there to share it with you. #Love #London #in #the #summer. You’ll hate yourself for it tomorrow.

6. There’s an arm wrestle

It’ll probably come after the Instagramming, when everyone’s run out of conversation. See also: all drinking games your dad would approve of.

7. Someone drunkenly fights a wasp

Mild swatting leads to aggressive swatting, which eventually leads to the drunkest and most foolhardy member of your party chasing the critter away with a rolled-up weekend paper. Everyone grumbles about ‘not pissing off the wasp’ while being secretly glad they no longer have to keep covering their pint with their hand.

8. There’s a Pimm’s debate

Your pal with the well-paid job suggests getting a £25 pitcher of the sweet stuff only to be faced with a tirade of: ‘Look at how much ice they’re putting in that jug. Only two shots in there. Bloody rip off.’

Best pub gardens in London

9. You smoke a mate’s cigarette even though you don’t smoke

#YOLO

10. Someone realises they’re burnt

It doesn’t matter how warm/cold it is, one poor sod always ends up with a peeling nose and burgundy T-shirt lines. They’ll either take themselves home to dive headfirst into aloe-vera or whither into a dehydrated husk as the night continues.

11. Another person gets taken home

‘NO, I’M FINE. DON’T TOUCH ME. I’M GOOD. I’M GOOD, MATE.’

12. You have a crisp dinner

After five hours of saying you’re going to go somewhere for food but never actually going somewhere for food, you end up buying 20 bags of McCoy’s for the table. Varied flavours. All the food groups covered.

Secret pub garden in finsbury parkThe Faltering Fullback19 Perth RdN4 3HB

13. You realise it’s fucking freezing

While it was just about warm enough to head out in a T-shirt and shorts at lunchtime, by 8pm you can’t actually feel your fingers and toes. But, you do finally have a seat so you stick it out. This is as good as summer gets in England.

14. It gets to 8.05pm 

‘Fuck it, we’re going inside.’

Written by Kate Lloyd.

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