[Images: Nathan James Page]
1. Judge non- Londoners
Well, they bring it on themselves, don’t they? With their Zumba and their seven nights in Gran Canaria and their ‘Love this fancy new restaurant Café Rouge – it’s FRENCH!!!’. How could we not screengrab their mundane Facebook statuses and DM them to our savvy London chums? Yes, it’s mean. But we’re sure they’re doing exactly the same thing in reverse – probably sitting in a provincial Tiger Tiger, laughing with their mates about that schoolfriend who moved to the capital and became a snobby and pretentious twat.
2. Show off about being at obscure pop-ups
VIP passes? Instagrammed. Tickets to a secret gig? Plastered all over Facebook. Playing mini-golf in a damp warehouse while holding an owl? We’re live-tweeting it all. Quite nonchalantly, as if we totally didn’t travel for over an hour to get there. In fact, even if the quirky pop-up we’re at is expensive and awful, that’s nothing a quick dose of X Pro II won’t fix. Twenty-five likes will more than make up for the £17.50 we just splashed out on a pulled-pork something or other.
3. Like pictures of London
We may joke with pals about how cheesy #sunset photos are and how we never, ever want to see the bloody view from Duck & Waffle again. But, really, we’re all suckers for a nice snapshot of the city. Someone will upload an Instagram of the Thames sparkling in the sunshine with a self-aware caption like ‘Sorry to be one of those losers, but couldn’t help myself *winkface*.’ Then we’ll like it without even thinking. It’s our open secret shame.
4. Tweet .@TfL
Once upon a time, the only person to hear about our 17-minute wait between Liverpool Street and Bank was the guy who sat next to us at work. But .@TfL has now become the rally cry of all tired, sweaty commuters. We take out our cameraphones at the first sign of overcrowding. We tweet with block capitals and multiple exclamation marks. ‘Feel the wrath of my 768 followers,’ we roar. ‘Let my social media influence rain down on you as my friends favourite this tweet!’
5. Ask for money
If we’re not selling our possessions (‘How much for my Billy bookcase? Okay, giving it away NOW’), we’re asking friends to sponsor our goddamned fun runs or support our Kickstarter projects. Status update: ‘You guys probably didn’t realise I had a secret interest in knot-tying, but I’m planning to quit my job and start a bespoke knottying business. Please support me or you’re not a real friend. Lol. Only joking. Or am I?’ It’s not our fault – blame the ridiculous London rents.
By Kate Lloyd, who happens to be a human hashtag.
Take a look at the top five London pubgoers.