Once upon a time, the closest thing to a celebrity you might expect to see at a festival would be Billy Bragg or maybe that bloke from The Levellers. Kate Moss changed all that in 2003, by going full- on boho at Glastonbury and making messy hair and two-day old eyeliner an indelible part of summer fashion.
But not everyone has the grace to light up a tent like Kate. Nowadays, festivals have become a playground for Z-list celebs to peacock and parade for paps, shilling for brands, flaunting their AAA wristbands on Instagram and generally being as obnoxious as a boil on the bum. Here are five of the worst types of offender.
1. The rugby bro
They have no idea how they got on the guest list and – to be honest – neither does the PR. But they’re here now; like high-muscle-mass ducks out of water. We can only imagine the conversation that led to rugby player Ben Foden and his bros hitting up V Fest last year: ‘Maaaate, only gone and got us VIP. Bring those matching tie-dye vests we got in Magaluf.’ The apocalypse is now.
See also: Peter Crouch, Leighton Baines.
2. The Kardashians
Unsure what the SS15 festival fashion trends are? Take look at Kendall and Kylie Jenner at Coachella. Handily, they’re wearing them all. When the duo weren’t taking side-of-stage selfies with their teenage posse, they were hanging out at big sis Khloe Kardashian’s Coachella pool party. Yes, she had her own pool party. At a festival.
See also: Justin Bieber.
3. The nobility
‘Look at me, I’m one of the people! Sam Smith, yah? That Kanye West, he’s a bit brill.’ Whether it’s ‘Prince Harry at Wireless or Cressida Bonas at Glastonbury, there’s something a bit wrong about ‘cool’ royals eating chips amongst us. And this should not be allowed – unless they’ve got a few cute corgis in tow.
See also: Beatrice and Eugenie, Mike Tindall.
4. The pap-hungry ￼￼pop star
￼￼On one hand, it takes a lot of guts to go full Woody, and we respect that. On the other, this is Rita Ora peacocking for the paps at full pelt. That shag-pile gilet might be a dry cleaning bill waiting to happen, but it’s a ticket to being included in a ’22 Stars Who Looked Fierce At Glasto’ gallery. And that’s all a 2k15 pop star really wants.
See also: Pixie Lott, Little Mix, Ellie Goulding.
Best spare wheel thingy on a van I’ve ever seen pic.twitter.com/Dklzqepq9t
— Leigh Francis (@LeighFrancis) August 18, 2014
5. The ITV2 star
Easy to spot because they’re always the least-cool celebrities at any event. Here is an off-duty Leigh Francis – of boob joker Keith Lemon fame – dressed like a Hairy Biker and casually hanging out at V Festival. Or in other words: the moment The Lad Bible finally defeats all of British pop culture.
See also: The cast of ‘Towie’, Olly Murs.
Written by Kate Lloyd.