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The joy of sexercise: we review ‘performance-enhancing’ products

Posted at 10:15 am, November 16, 2014 in Fun London

Can technology really transform you into a dextrous Casanova or a steamy sex-vixen? Maybe. We asked some brave folks to road test some performance-enhancing products in the bedroom.

The orgasm enhancer

The Lelo Luna Smart Bead is a ‘personal pleasure trainer’ that aims to improve the strength of your pelvic floor muscles, making for more intense orgasms. Simply squeeze the bead every time it vibrates inside you. Then leave it on ‘continuous vibrate’ mode for a post-workout treat.

HER VERDICT ‘This is one classy gizmo. It’s hard to tell whether my pelvic floor is more powerful, but the gadget’s sleek lines and gentle, sympathetic action did set me up perfectly for a sensuous feast of tender lovemaking. And – bonus! – there’s a little loop so you can hook it on to your keyring.’

HIS VERDICT ‘I’m usually sceptical about introducing machines into the boudoir. They instil in me a terror similar to that of a manual worker in a nineteenthcentury cotton mill – the machines never get tired! But, brilliantly, this does just enough to get her worked up so I can plough on with the easy bit.’ £69 from Lovehoney.co.uk.


The blowjob masterclass

Get the (b)lowdown at this masterlass on fellatio, run by swanky sex shop Sh!. At ‘Blow His Mind’, experts share their tips followed by a practice session (on toys, not the real thing) and a no-holds-barred Q&A.

HER VERDICT ‘A glass of bubbly and a cupcake on arrival made for a giggly evening of sophisticated lewdness with the girls. This seminal seminar covered every aspect of high-end head. Also, there’s a lot more psychology than you’d imagine involved in giving him pleasure – think sexy mind games rather than going at a hair-clogged shower drain with a plunger.’

HIS VERDICT ‘The fact that this class exists proves once and for all that God is a man. A mind-blowing improvement.’ £25. The next class is on December 9. Sign up at sh-womenstore.com.

The sex stat tracker

Monitoring how long you go for, how loud you are and even the frequency of your thrusts, Spreadsheets Sex Life Improvements is a no-fuss app (simply leave your phone on the bed) that gives you the stats to back up your shagging. It awards extra points for effort (like that quickie in the afternoon) and gives new meaning to the phrase ‘on the job’.

HER VERDICT ‘Confession time – I love metrics. When I’m running. When I’m at work. When I’m playing imaginary “Come Dine with Me” at colleagues’ houses. To quote legendary sex symbol Joseph Stalin, “Quantity has a quality all its own.” In other words, this is a winner.’

HIS VERDICT ‘Phwoar, data! Nothing gets me off like a graph pointing out my inadequacies. Plus, when your mum calls in the middle of a sesh it ruins both the vibe and your score.’ Free from the iPhone App Store.

The cunnilingus trainer

Practise cunnilingus by making out with your phone! The Lick This app challenges eager tongue-waggers to bounce a ball, flick a switch and sharpen a pencil, aiming to improve both stamina and technique. HIS VERDICT ‘Unless you’re planning to go down on Eve from “Wall-E”, this isn’t going to help. My aching mouth muscles indicate it probably did some good, however my cherished illusions of being an orally adroit love god were shattered when, in pulling the phone back to check my score, I caught my own drooling, cross-eyed reflection on the screen.’

HER VERDICT ‘I read somewhere that smartphone screens carry more germs than public toilet seats, so I wasn’t too keen on him getting up in my grill after this. Also, any improvement in stamina got lost in translation from phone to flesh (curse my three-dimensional genitalia). Fail.’ Free from www.lickthisapp.com. The go-longer gadget Fleshlight’s range of male sex toys (torch-shaped things that simulate the feel of lady parts) now extends to an intercourse trainer. The Stamina Training Unit has pillow-like bumps inside to rub you up the right way, while try to hold out as long as possible.

HIS VERDICT ‘For our purposes, this gadget seems a trifle over-engineered when a Pringles of mincemeat would do the job just not require any more explanation should my stop by unexpectedly.’ HER VERDICT ‘Just… why? And also, how the hell do you clean this thing? Admittedly, after he’d tried it he did last longer, though how much of that was down to STU and how much to plain ‘ew’ we may never know. £45.99 from bondara.co.uk.

Take a look at these weird places you Londoners have been having sex.

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