1. A free Pret coffee
We all thought the free Pret coffee was an urban myth, something we never dared believe was real. Then, Pret revealed that giving away coffee was an official policy – staff can hand ’em out to whoever they want! When that news broke, almost every Londoner went home and stared at themselves in the bathroom mirror for a good few hours, muttering ‘Why not me? Am I really so ugly?’, as un-caffeinated tears streamed down their cheeks. It’s discrimination, really. Isn’t this why we have the Human Rights Act?
2. A broken Oyster reader
Hopping on the bus to find the Oyster reader is out of action is a little gift from the travel gods. They’re saying, ‘This one’s on us, mate. Go treat yourself to something special.’ You can then while away the rest of your ride daydreaming about all the lavish ways you might spend your unexpected £1.50. Half a coffee? An eighth of a pint? Thanks, travel gods – you truly are benevolent.
3. A world without queues
Imagine rocking up at the latest burger/negroni/South African pizza pop-up to find that you’re first in line. ‘Table for two?’ the waiter asks, before whisking you off to a window seat, handing you a menu and saying ‘Take your time’ with a flirty wink. Of course, the reality is hours of standing behind shivering fellow Londoners waiting to fork out a ton on some horrifyingly fattening and depressingly undercooked slab of meat, then being turfed out after 15 minutes. The no-queue pop-up has to be out there somewhere – you just have to believe.
4. A snow day
We all dream of work being cancelled so we can spend a cosy weekday on the couch watching ‘Loose Women’, all because the weather is so inclement that the front door has frozen shut. But even if a blizzard of arctic proportions freezes the trains to the tracks, Geoff from accounting will make it in for 9am. Your boss, who obviously cycled in on a fucking Brompton with ice-spike-clad tyres, will send the following companywide email at 9.05am: ‘Guys, Geoff and I are the only ones who made the effort to come in. It’s really not on. These spreadsheets aren’t going to spread themselves.’ Fuck you, Geoff.
5. An empty tube carriage
Nothing beats the thrill of having a whole tube carriage to yourself. Finally, you can sit in the priority seat without the constant fear that someone, somewhere might be pregnant. You can stretch out, spread your legs and give your bits a good airing – maybe even put your feet on the seat! See? You really are a rebel. Take that, Mum and Dad. This is now a mobile living room, your own private, chauffeured oasis of calm. Enjoy it while it lasts because you know full well that, at the next stop, a crazy person will get on, sit next to you, and purr.
By Eddy Frankel, who always gets free coffee because he is fit.
Take a look at the top five phrases feared by Londoners.